Taking Responsibility: For My Own Healing and Sense Of Self Worth

I am starting a more proactive approach to work, in that I am going to do something, which, for me, is practically unheard of.

Normally, in the back of my mind, I always maintain, by choice, a 'seed of doubt' about my abilities to find and keep the actual type of job I want (within my abilities).

This translates to a personal, internalized, belief structure that ends up as this:

"Ultimately, no matter how much you plan, how hard you work, how intense your desire--anything!--you will, always and forever, never have exactly what you plan for, what you desire, or what you hope for!"

I have identified this annoying aspect of my non-physical, internal thought structure, and have decided it has outlived its "usefulness."

I am about to spiritually dismantle this thought structure, tearing it apart, non-physical molecule by non-physical molecule, if necessary, until what remains is non-physical, mentational, background noise.

I've had enough! I get tired of what I have come to implement as the "Obligatory Self-Bashing," every time I quit, or lose, a job, fail at a college attempt, or have issues with close relationships.

Worrying about what other people think of me is also among those thoughts.

When I was young, my family went camping in Northern Lower Michigan, and the Upper Peninsula of Michigan during the Summer.

During those sojourns, the other children I would, invariably, meet at the campgrounds--mostly state parks, especially Aloha, on Mullet Lake--never judged me, or thought ill of me in any way.

Also with the adults I met.

There was a simplicity among campers, an attitude of congeniality, and helpfulness, that permeated the parks, and that translates into something with which I need to reacquaint myself.

I moved to South Dakota and the Black Hills to de-stress, and to heal.

Captain of my own ship, Doctor of my own Soul.

It is time for the "physician" to heal himself.

---UPDATE---

Thursday, January 28th, 10:30pm
Lead, SD
--

Here's what's happening:

I made my appointment at Vocational Rehabilitation, ostensibly to meet with my Western Resources advocate, and my assigned VR counselor for a joint appointment.

Enter the same type of thing that's been occurring in my life since I can remember:  I get an appointment with the promise -in my expectant mind- of engaging conversation and meaningful dialog, words parleyed back and forth among people wanting to see positive change, and those who are actually concerned about my success and well-being.

The Results?

My Western Resources advocate quits her job for another, and the original VR person ends up not being available.

Now...in a nice turn of events, I was able to speak with a very capable, polite, and nice graduate student intern, so it wasn't all bad.  She proved to be able-bodied, experienced enough, and professional, with which I have no problems, and only the highest accolades.

However, that still doesn't remit the flabbergasting, ire-enhancing EVENTS IN TIME-SPACE that seem to follow me everywhere I go!

Ergo, I've experienced this same type of -call it an Event Thread, if you please- at least three times before, so I'm not chalking this up to mere coincidence, but rather, meaningful coincidence -that is to say, Coincidence With A -Perceived- Purpose!

Perception is the key word here.  My Own Perception!

I can no longer put off this laying down of events in space-time to just another coincidence that is believed to have no meaning, no connection, and no importance.

 I Am Not Stupid!
I Am Not Dumb!
I Am Not Without Hindsight!
I Am  Not Without Foresight!
I Am Not Just Seeing Random Stuff!

There is a reason for all these things, going exactly -or nearly exactly- the same way, every time I reach out and engage myself in the same way, every time.

The metaphysical elements are there!

I'm just trying to stay out of the usual pathway, and create a new one, one that will permit me to engage That Which I Desire vs What Everybody Else Expects (of me).

I can not succeed if the same event threads continue to be run.  In short,  I Need New Pathways and Roads On Which To Travel!

I'm tired of old, well-trodden places in the annals of my attempts at Higher Education (when nothing works, no matter how hard I work), Jobs (that don't pay more than ten bucks an hour, part-time), Relationships (with people without the experience or training to comprehend my own inherent interests and that can share meaningful conversation and help me network better.)

I'm tired of all of the old.  I'm FIFTY!  I have a half-century of friggin' life experience.  I can take a laptop computer apart in my sleep, set up a GNU/Linux system on any PC for anyone's use.

I can also spell like a daemon (in the historical sense -and spelling- of the word), and am well-inured to the world of books, literature, and multimedia (which goes hand-in-hand with my computer abilities.

I'm beginning to think that the term learning disabilities is nothing more than an excuse for people who don't really care and don't want to see me succeed!

I know one thing:  I Cant Do This On My Own Anymore!

Ergo:  I Need Some Good, Positive, Love-EnVibed (my own word) Energy...For A Change!  (And To Change!

Let people think what they will of this,  pie in the sky, stupid, what-have-you!

Let Me Be Clear:

1.  I Care What People Think!  Caring people, that is, not the other kind.

2.  I Love Myself, My Life, and Others Around Me!  Especially those who take the time to share theirs!

3.  I Like Being Generous With My Time and Money (When both are available in abundance!  I can't do anything without an abundance of both!)

4.  I Want To Evoke Change!  (Or Invoke It!)  Change Energy comes from both Without *and* Within!

5.  I Am A Spiritual Being!  I am not merely a collection of physical tissues, doing their thing, and not interacting with the non-physical world around me!  I've had too many experiences to not believe otherwise, and that, to me, is something that needs to be enhanced, and not forgotten about.

6.  I'm scientific in my approaches, where applicable, intuitive in just about everything else!  Gravity, the five senses (sixth, if you count intuition and psychic abilities - which I do!), general physics, math, and other analytical tools are great!  (If someone want to teach me some STEM-related abilities, I would be most open to receive Your Gift Of Instruction!)

7.  The same goes for spiritual and metaphysical instruction. (Please, no "born again" anybodies!  I had enough of that in my younger years, and escaped "relatively unscathed!"  I have no plans on going back to a lesser -to me-  level of spiritual awareness and experience.  I'll let you, the reader, surmise what I mean by this.  To me, it's clear, apparent, and transparent as glass!

This is my update.  More later...

-UPDATE- January 17, 2016

I've had my first meeting with Western Resources -a private non-profit that assists disabled individuals- and it went well.

I have an appointment with Vocational Rehabilitation Services (this agency should have similar titles in all states) this coming week.

I'm still unemployed, and I'm starting to feel the crunch.  I'm having to reach out for help, and I'm not comfortable doing this.  I prefer to meet my own financial needs, but am not able to do so completely right now.

There are hotel-casino resorts in the area, and I'm going to see about applying to those, as they have some of the better wages in the area.  I have experience doing the night-audit (financial and reservation tallies for the day's business, typically done on the night shift), as well as hours of food-service related experience.

As much as I don't like commercial kitchens, anymore, I *do* have that experience.  So, I guess one needs to work with what one knows for the nonce, at least, eh?

If I can find something else, I will.  If not, I'll have to get yet another kitchen job.  The prospect annoys me.

More Later...

Feeling A Little Stir Crazy

Spending the time between Yuletide/Christmas and New Year's planning for school and work in the coming season.

Goal: Narrow down a career path.

Goal: Earn enough to purchase a particular motorbike by June, then take a cross country trip to visit relatives and old friends.

Goal: Be Joyous In My Doings.

Goal: Have a business up and running.  It may be an online business with no employees, or a traditional store front with a few employees.

Goal: Do Not Accept So-Called Disability Limitations!!!  NO EXCEPTIONS!!!!!!

I think that's good enough for now.

--More Later
--Stephen A. Brown

Update - Monday December 14th, 2015

Just got done taking a bath, shower, and shampoo!  In a word, "Aaaaaaah!" :-)

I tell you, nothing makes the mind and body feel better than a good pampering!

(Yes, Gals, Even We Men Need Self-Pampering At Times!)

--

So here's what's new:  I left my job at Terry Peak Ski Area, near Lead, South Dakota (my current city of residence.)

I found out, over the course of two weekends, that, at age 50, my body cannot stand up to standing around in cold weather without *some* movement involved; standing around and tending to a chairlift line was not conducive to this task, and my joints were starting to tell me a telltale story:  GET OUT NOW!

I also found the Terry Peak work environment to be a bit back-stabby, and the management unlike my last two jobs at Marco's Pizza in Rapid City, and Pizza Hut in Booneville, Missouri; both of those jobs had excellent and friendly people.  Truly, if it hadn't been for the staff of the Boonville, Missouri Pizza Hut, I wouldn't be able to be here, typing this to you.

Management wasn't as friendly--at least to me--as I've experienced on my last jobs, so I just decided to cut my losses early.

I have other prospects  for employment, however, and am continuing to narrow my focus for a career.

I have one idea, and that's to go back to Missouri and start college in the fall at Missouri State University, to obtain a degree in Geographical Information Science, or GIS, which is, essentially, computer-based cartography, or map-making.

My other collegiate consideration is an online program in Business Management/Entrepreneurship, or business ownership, in other words.

My core needs, as I see them, reflect what I Truly, Madly, Deeply Desire:  The Ability To Do What I Want, Where I Want, When I Want, Joyfully, Happily, Gladly!  And being able to give, as well; helping other people get to where I would be at that point favors highly on my bucket list.

Ergo:  Money.  (Not money *as* the main goal, but the *freedom* that money brings.)
Therefore: Business Ownership.

The GIS Plan is if I just want to settle into a staid, tightly-focused regimen of a job when I graduate; considering that most GIS positions are with the government, this would work well.

The pay would be good, but would I feel complete and fulfilled?  (Probably to an extent, but I would be tied down to a nine-to-five that wouldn't allow me the free time until I had accumulated seniority and vacation days.

I WANT EVERY DAY TO BE A VACATION! :-D

So, writing this, I guess it's medium to large business ownership.  (Small, to me, doesn't cut it in business!)

So I guess that's my choice.  I'll start looking around for online programs.

More Later...

--Stephen

Snow Removal Rules and A Towed Trail Blazer

Woke up this morning, getting ready to go to Rapid City to spend some time with my sister and doing some needed shopping and what to my surprise when I found my Trail Blazer Missing!!!

I was mad as a wet hen!

I stormed down to City Hall and met the Chief of Police, who informed me of certain "signs" that he stated were put out twelve hours before snow removal services were to begin.

Well, I never saw the signs, and I was out at my vehicle around 11:30pm local time when I checked that it was locked, and went back upstairs to my apartment.

Came out of the apartment building with an armload of stuff only to realize I no longer had a vehicle present in which to put said stuff inside.

Long story short, the Chief was nice enough to waive the citation, and gave me the phone number for the tow company.  Tow fee was originally $150, but I got it talked down to $50 plus tax; $56.16 total.  I had to walk a mile and a half to the tow guy's office, where I paid him, and he drove me out to get it.

No damage present when I started it up, so I went back home--parking in the main lot at the bottom of the hill, went upstairs via the elevator, got my aforementioned stuff, drove to Rapid City, where I spent the rest of the afternoon with my sister.

Took back one pair of defective boots to Scheels Sporting Goods, used the requisite refund to purchase some needed snow pants.

I start work at Terry Peak Ski Area on Saturday at 8am.

I felt emotionally horrible all day!  Feeling better as I write this, but I want no more days like this.  If I have problems in the apartment complex parking lot for any reason whatsoever, I'm moving back to Missouri as soon as I get the money.

I don't want to stay where I'm not wanted.

--More Later

Some Stability Achieved

Well, I'm up in Lead, now.  My original lodging accommodations were run by a gentleman who smoked like a chimney, and drank like an Irish Pubber!

I got tired of his mild violence (basically, he'd "rush at me" when pissed off, like a bear, bluff charging) and had to move out for my own sanity and safety.

I wish that retired veterans were treated better, and could get the help they truly deserve and need.  However, when chemicals--like alcohol--are utilized instead of professional counsellors, nothing can be done.

Ergo, I had to leave.

I'm working at the Terry Peak Ski Area for the winter.  This should help satisfy both my work and recreational goals for the winter.

Now to persuade my wife to come and join me for a year...  Wouldn't *that* be nice.

--More Later... -SB