Well, I've been here for over a year, now. I've seen many changes, both, in myself, and others. That is, of course, what I moved here, from Missouri, in October of 2016, isn't it?
Why the question? Well, I just don't know, anymore. It seems this pattern repeats itself, every so often in my life. I just don't seem to have any staying power. What I mean by that is that I can't seem to make any real progress in maintaining meaningful relationships, only superficial ones that have no real cohesion.
I'm going through my second divorce, as an example. Oh, yeah, it lasted eleven years, as opposed to the first one at two, but isn't marriage supposed to last a lifetime?
I thought it did. *Sigh* :-|
I'm also busy in other areas. I have managed to find a decently paying job, which also allows me a good amount of free time, where I usually go stir-crazy for lack of any decent ideas to make money, outside of work.
I play this up as related to disability, but I feel, deep inside myself, that it's just plain laziness, and a lack of energy on my part. (I think this is more honest than claiming any type of disabling mechanism, but this is, indeed, why I'm receiving Social Security, so, perhaps, I need to reevaluate my own personal prejudices on the matter.)
It's just that I don't like myself very well. I've been to college a slew of times, but only managed to amass a $42,000.00 Dollar student loan debt. Compared to other countries, this is an enormous burden--both for me, and others--and I just don't understand why I can't succeed in academia, where others around me excell--or at least are able to 'get through it' and earn their degree, or degrees.
I'm fifty-one years of age, and tired! I'm weary of living, as I'm not satisfied with my progress. Fifty-one years is along time to fail, and not succeed at anything. Oh, I've had limited successes, but they never last very long.
I once had a neighbor that said to me: "All I want to see is for you to find a woman to Love, Honor, Cherish, Respect, and Trust." She is a fine person, and very active in her community. I grew up with people--adults--like her, and wish, sincerely, that I could've brought forth into my life, what the first sentence intimates.
Well, I have no children, if that's any indication. I certainly won't have any progeny to leave any meaningful legacy to, at this rate. *Sigh* :-|
I tire of the same ol' same ol', and want to be on my way to doing 'what I really want to do."
Oh, what's that, you ask? The Real Truth is: "I Don't Effing Know!"
I thought I did, at various points along my life's path, but every time I tried to 'step up to the plate,' I'd just fall on my face, and fail, once again. (One gets tired of this as one might surmise.)
I just don't know what the hell to do with my life!
I hate myself, inside, for this, and that self-loathing is my true,'daily driver,' a body-car-beast that doesn't--and won't--let me forget 'just how bad I am' and 'just how much of a failure I've been, Am, and Will Be!"
And that, folks, is the real demon I face on a daily basis.
I'm tired of him, and I want to put him out of my misery! Anyone got a plan for an Astral Shot Gun? I think that bastard needs a little double-aught to 'is etheric brain case!
Seriously, though, I just desire to 'do better,' but I have a lot of problems with education in this country.
I've experienced so much negativity from both disability services agencies, local colleges. Not in South Dakota, but everywhere else, it seems; I also haven't attended school here, yet, so maybe there's hope.
I doubt it, though.
I've learned this from attending school in this country: The only thing that seems to matter is whether you're a top, peak performer, or nothing at all. There does not seem to be any middle ground for anyone in my situation: A Cognitive Learning Disabled Man, Who Really Want To Succeed, But Can't Under The Current System.
I just can't talk about this, anymore, tonight. I'll get back later. Peace Out!
--Stephen
