UPDATE Early Summer 2018

Bringing Things Ahead

Today is Tuesday, June 19th, 2018.  5:44pm Mountain Daylight Time.

Residence Location:  Lead, South Dakota

Length of Time at Present Location:  Since November 2015.  That makes it...calculating...Two Years, Seven Months.

Work Situation, Primary:  The Lodge at Deadwood, Since October 2016.  That makes it...calculating...One Year, Eight Months.

Work Situation, Secondary:  Spearfish Canyon Lodge, About A Month.

Significant Happenings:  Job Length (Primary), New Job (Secondary), New Vehicle!, Elimination of Unhealthy Relationships.

Thoughts On The Present

The last year-and-a-half has been fairly steady, and began to move upward late in 2017.

I received an Employee of the Month award, and a South Dakota Great Service Award, given to hospitality employees for job excellence in that industry.

I've leveled out, emotionally, although there are flare-ups of old energies I'm still working on depleting.  My Wiccan practice is helping there, and I'm getting more dedicated, and serious, to my Path as I grow older.

The past has been influencing my emotional state, of late, and I'm getting visions of my past, usually my childhood, and the places my family and I spent our summers in Michigan.

This last part is especially palpable, and musical inspiration (in both lyric and song) is an accompanying characteristic.  The piano and guitar (and possibly mandolin) are factoring largely in this area, and may be of importance, should I choose to further my knowledge along this line of inquiry.

The Past seems to be making itself known to me as when I was a child, growing up on the summer shores of Mullet Lake in Northern Lower Michigan.

I feel as if I'm being drawn back there, but I need to experience more visions to be certain of what, or whom, might be the reason for the calling, if any.  It may just be Spirit letting me know I now have enough learned experience to deal with any heavy emotions I may bring up, should I decide to visit the places of my youth.

And I can tell you...I am thinking seriously about doing just that!  My work ethic has permitted me a stroke of luck!  A Newer Vehicle!

I now own (insofar as I am making payments on the vehicle), a 2012 Nissan Frontier King Cab 4x4 Pickup Truck!

Four doors and a nice, small bed, with a plastic liner and a vinyl/aluminum-frame locking tonneau cover.  V6 Engine and an Automatic Transmission round it out.  I would have preferred a manual, but the Universe gave me what was avaiable, and on-hand, so I'm not complaining.

Also, as I grow in financial stature, I can always upgrade, or customize.  I'm open for anything and everything the Universe has for me, now, and I have learned patience and acceptance of present circumstance, which enables me to see farther ahead, as I've learned to pause and reflect, and See.

The 'Seeing' is a skill that is just making itself known to me now, and I believe the latent visions of my past haunts have much to do with it, and are only the beginning of a much larger experience, and the advent of more deeply meaningful occurrences.

Moving to South Dakota has opened my spiritual sensations, and, perhaps, my latent psychic abilities may also be showing themselves forth, although not on any huge order of magnitude.  I tend to keep these things private, although I have no problem sharing them here.

I've met a few interesting people, and I would like to deepen these relationships into meaningful friendships, although I still have problems being comfortable around others.  Kind of weird for a Libra, I know, the stereotype being that Librans 'hate being alone;' I have to say I am an honest exception to this 'rule.'

So What Now?

I have a few plans that center around the successful publication of a few novels, or whatever else the Universe brings into my life that will allow me to meet my deepest desires for success and wealth.

My health is good, so I am grateful for that.  I can do better, however, and my exercise regimen needs to be taken up a notch!

Walking helps, and I get out and walk more than I've been doing since the winter, but I need to do more, as keeping my body moving is the key to continued body-and-mind health and harmony.

The Money Situation:  I am moving faster toward my goals.  That's all I can really say.  I'm better off than I was when I first moved here, I drew the Universal Energy of an affordably-financed (by my reckoning) newer vehicle of the type I desired and that was available.

Considering that is was obtained from a nearby Nissan dealer, and not a smaller 'more used' vehicle seller, says a lot to what that Universe-at-large is doing for me.  Gratitude is given for this, and correct for what I have been given.

I still have to work for it, but I am getting closer to the time when I will be able to be on my own time, and not so much that of others, at least for making money.  I invite the Universe to 'plop this freedom down in my lap' at any time, now.  Patience Is Good Here! :-)

So that's it!

I've come a long way since that November Winter Day in 2015 when I first arrived in Lead.  It was the turning point, wherein I made my decision to dedicate myself to this area in the Northern Black Hills.  I'm glad I made the decision!

A List of Goals

1.  Newer Vehicle (Done!)

1a.  Vehicle Paid For In Full (Work-in-progress.)

2.  Cedar Log Cabin Home.  I'm open to the location.  Universe-at-large to help in deciding this aspect, as it knows my proclivities for forest areas and land types.

3.  Complete Financial Independence!  (I will have to yield to the Universe-at-large for help in this supremely overarching life-event.  As this would 'answer all things,' provided I make good decisions with the wealth-in-question, and don't spend everything off at first receiving.  Being excited at new wealth is normal, going on a buying spree for everything in sight, is not.   I've learned my lesson here, so it won't be a problem!)

4.  The advent of a trip back to Michigan.   The Summer of 2019 would be nice, provided I've received and/or earned my financial independence at that time.  (This can be a small receiving, but I'd certainly like to have more than less.  We'll just have to wait and see...while working, of course!)

5.  A New Lifemate Relatioship.  (This one is self-explanatory, but after marriage number two, I really need to be down with my own issues, and secure in my finances, for me to be comfortable in another marriage, if any.  I'm open to another's help, but it would be nice to be able to say "I stood on my own two feet to get here!" for a change.

6.  Spiritual Evolution.  (A matter personal to me, as excellence in this area tends to bring out excellence in all the desired others.)

In Love and Light,

Harmony and Peace,

-Stephen A. Brown

-UPDATE- Late Summer 2017

I've been working at The Lodge at Deadwood since early 2017.  I forget the exact date, I really need to ask my HR Director when I was hired!  Something to do tomorrow morning, after my night shift is done.

Okay, back to the present moment.

I guess a lot has happened to me over the course of Summer 2017!  I've kept my job for almost a year, now, and That's A Record!  Disabilities notwithstanding, but still!

I haven't been socially active very much, although I have had some interactions with a few local people, now and again.  I just don't have a lot of desire to be a socialite.  I prefer solitary activities, like riding motorcycles in the back country--when I have a motorcycle, something I'll talk about in a bit--or talking long walks and hikes in the woods, or on forest roads, taking long drives in my car, etc.

I've spent time with my sister in Rapid City a few times this year.  We even went swimming a couple of times.  I'd go again, but the weather's turned cool early--in mid-August no less!  I've had a few good days this year, though, and it's nice to be able to get out once in a while.

I'm not completely where I want to be, but I'm stable, have a good apartment in a good community, and I have a good job at a fine hotel.

I'm taking a new job at the hotel this week, on 8/18/17, a Friday.  Our night housekeeper quit, and, as it was getting to the point of seeing that there wasn't another one being hired, I asked for the responsibility.  I have the job, so far as I can see, and will start on Friday.  I"m going to try a 10-day-on/4-day-off sequence and see how that works.  If I find it's too much, I'll ask for Friday and Monday nights off, something I've discussed with the housekeeping department manager, an affable guy.

I'm not afraid of hard work, but I hope I can keep up with the demand.  The night audit I do three days a week is fairly relaxed.  Housekeeping may put me to a challenge for which I may not be ready, but I'm still going to give it my best shot!  I did solicit for the position, was given it, and need to give it my best effort.  If I find it's too much, I'll let my manager know.  I consider my audit job as my primary position.

I want to be productive to my company, and I want to earn more money so I can start paying off debt, investing, and buying some nicer things I desire to own, like a new motorcycle.  Used is fine, if that's all I can get, but I wouldn't mind buying something uniquely nine, that's never been ridden, and keep it for ten-plus years!

I have my goals for this bike.  I want to be a participatory part of the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally in 2018, and one can't be unless one arrives on a bike!  There just isn't much room for car parking during Rally week in Sturgis!  And that's the purpose of the Rally in the first place!

I should be able to get a bike I desire if I can save $10,000.00 minimum over the course of the next year.  It's just that, with my present incomes, that's about half my yearly salary!  Hence, the taking of the second job.  It's going to be a lot of work, but I should be able to start to make a dent in my debt, as well as save up some funds for some real estate courses.  I love land, so I'm guessing this might be a good area in which to invest some educational monies and time.

Become an agent for a local broker, and start selling houses.  Since the area is small, learning about commercial properties, as well as the traditional single-family-home, would also be in order.  This is all guesswork as of this writing, however, and it's going to take a whole lot more than words to get me started along the path to wealth--which is where all this is leading!

--

Personally, I'm not dating anyone right now.  I've got too many interests at the moment, as well as too many financial responsibilities to be involved in a relationship.  Now, at 51, almost 52 years of age, I'm focused entirely on my material goals.  Becoming wealthy in a 'short' time is one of these goals.

No one but me can really see my end-result and desires.  Money plays into it, because it is an integral part of wealth.  There is nothing I can do--or would want to do--about this.  It is the delineating factor between rich and not-so-rich.  Period!

I've tried to be friendly to people, but I don't really have a lot of social experience.  I work better with things and ideas, devices and mechanisms, than I do with people and politics.  I try to stay as far away from the latter--politics, that is, not necessarily people--as much as possible.

Let me outline my material goals:

• A cedar log cabin home in the black hills, away from the main towns, but near enough to drive.  Cedar, because we have a pine beetle issue out here, and Northern White Cedar is bug, and rot, resistant.  It's also essentially freeze proof!
• A motorcycle of recent vintage, between $3000 and $30,000 dollars.
• A newer 4x4, like a Nissan Frontier, or Chevy Colorado.  High ground clearance is a must!
• A lightweight travel trailer.
• A summer home on a large, navigable river, or connected lake, in Michigan, with boat.
• To be completely "in the black!" and debt free within the confines of five years!  I know where my debts lie, and I know what I need to have spent to have paid them off in full.  Student loans are a part of this.  I will keep the other matters confidential.
• To have enough accumulated money to be able to travel at any time, and not have to have a regular job, anymore.  I don't just desire this for 'retirement,' I desire it for the rest of my life, so I can leave a legacy to someone, be they family, or a good friend's family, or just someone who I find worthy of receiving it.  Whether I"m married again, or not, soon, is irrelevant!  I've had it with two marriages.  The third would have to be with a Very Special Someone, with high moral and ethical values (this is in lieu of any religious elements), and a sense of wonder for the world!
• As an added bonus when I am farther along the success curve, perhaps a small, turbine helicopter of my own, with the requisite training.  I already have about 40 accumulated hours in light planes, but I didn't finish the training.  I'm more of a rotorhead, anyway.  This is a bonus, not a primary goal, but the freedom this type of conveyance would permit would be excellent! :-)

Well, that's essentially it for now.  My primary goals are not relationship-based, save for those connections that help me further my goals, and move them forward faster.  I'll leave room for love, but I'm not going to hold my breath, or look for it, anymore.  I've had enough of emotional turmoil.

Sincerely,

-Stephen A. Brown

-Lead, South Dakota

Spring 2017 Update! (Fairly Mudane)

Well, it's Spring in South Dakota.  The snow is receding--slowly in the higher elevations--but is, largely, gone for the duration.

I'm working at The Lodge at Deadwood, Deadwood's major convention center.  We have the largest casino floor in Deadwood, for those with the gambling spirit.  (I am not one of them, myself.)  This resort is about two miles from the downtown center of Deadwood.  I work the Night Audit shift three days a week, ten hours a day.  My shift is mid-week, which leaves my weekends free.

I'm fine with this, for now, as it goes.  However, I have desires which will require more than the money I'm making, so I'm looking into possibilities for income generation, not necessarily the usual item known as 'work.'  Rather, I'm considering Writing, Uber-style transportation for larger distances to the local area (I'm not trying to be a taxi service, though; there are a ton of those, and I want to fulfill a different kind of niche, like 'back-country transport specialist,' which would assist people off the beaten path, in the more secluded areas of the Black HIlls), or some other type of contractual-style employment.

I'm looking into a trip to Yellowstone National Park, in May, with my sister.  She's been chomping at the bit to see Old Faithful, the geyser, and I wouldn't mind a trip-outward, myself.

I"m going to have to get new brake pads soon, and turn my rotors, or replace them.  I replaced six ignition coils and spark plugs on my 2003 Trail Blazer EXT 4x4, and would like to do some other work on the vehicle in coming months.  I need a new instrument cluster, for example, as my current one is only semi-functional.

I'm still working on my book, The Story of Lauralie Fox.  It is taking some time to write.

I'm going to start dating again, soon.  My wife and I have been living apart for almost two years, now.  She's been with someone else for at least three-quarters of a year, and I'm not wanting to be alone the rest of my days, so I figure it's time now.

The dating game...  It's been years since I had a need.  I really wish I didn't, but relationships are not what they used to be, relative to my parent's, and their parent's, times.  Those of us desiring lifetime commitment face challenges, especially those of us over fifty.

I'm working on improving myself, personally, so I will be more likely to attract a mate.  I deal with learning disabilities, and some other issues, some of which I may not be seeing clearly, through my own rose-colored glasses.  I may need to hire a personal coach for this issue.

Finally, I'm learning about real estate, and am wanting to get out of apartment living, and find someplace deeply enmeshed in the surrounding countryside to live.  The city is okay, but I really want to live in the back-country, where I can breathe a little easier, and be nearer to the out-of-doors.

What a man-of-the-land to do?  Learn about property, and how to afford it.  Also, how to lower cost-of-materials substantially.  I'm looking at pre-cut log cabin kits.  They cost between 5K and 15K, for the type of dwelling into which I'm looking, so the housing cost does not have to be huge.  There are many tracts of land in the Black Hills that are not part of high-dollar-house associations, with no covenants or restrictions, or very little, at any rate.

I want to build a cost-effective home, with a DC-to-AC Power Inversion system on at least one circuit of the house, from the start; also, with wiring to connect an auxiliary gas, or diesel, power generator, for emergencies, or for if I just want to get off the grid to save electricity.  The inverter system should solve that, however, and electric costs are not huge in this area of the country, anyway.  I find them to be very reasonable, even in the apartment complex in which I reside, and I have electric baseboard heat, at that!  All the lights in the home will be LED.

Well, that's it for now.  More updates, and posts, and the season progresses.  Springing forth, on into Summer!

Be Well All!

--Stephen

The New Year of 2017 Begins!

Well, I've been here for over a year, now.  I've seen many changes, both, in myself, and others.  That is, of course, what I moved here, from Missouri, in October of 2016, isn't it?

Why the question?  Well, I just don't know, anymore.  It seems this pattern repeats itself, every so often in my life.  I just don't seem to have any staying power.  What I mean by that is that I can't seem to make any real progress in maintaining meaningful relationships, only superficial ones that have no real cohesion.

I'm going through my second divorce, as an example.  Oh, yeah, it lasted eleven years, as opposed to the first one at two, but isn't marriage supposed to last a lifetime?

I thought it did.  *Sigh* :-|

I'm also busy in other areas.  I have managed to find a decently paying job, which also allows me a good amount of free time, where I usually go stir-crazy for lack of any decent ideas to make money, outside of work.

I play this up as related to disability, but I feel, deep inside myself, that it's just plain laziness, and a lack of energy on my part.  (I think this is more honest than claiming any type of disabling mechanism, but this is, indeed, why I'm receiving Social Security, so, perhaps, I need to reevaluate my own personal prejudices on the matter.)

It's just that I don't like myself very well.  I've been to college a slew of times, but only managed to amass a $42,000.00 Dollar student loan debt.  Compared to other countries, this is an enormous burden--both for me, and others--and I just don't understand why I can't succeed in academia, where others around me excell--or at least are able to 'get through it' and earn their degree, or degrees.

I'm fifty-one years of age, and tired!  I'm weary of living, as I'm not satisfied with my progress.  Fifty-one years is along time to fail, and not succeed at anything.  Oh, I've had limited successes, but they never last very long.

I once had a neighbor that said to me:  "All I want to see is for you to find a woman to Love, Honor, Cherish, Respect, and Trust."  She is a fine person, and very active in her community.  I grew up with people--adults--like her, and wish, sincerely, that I could've brought forth into my life, what the first sentence intimates.

Well, I have no children, if that's any indication.  I certainly won't have any progeny to leave any meaningful legacy to, at this rate.  *Sigh* :-|

I tire of the same ol' same ol', and want to be on my way to doing 'what I really want to do."

Oh, what's that, you ask?  The Real Truth is:  "I Don't Effing Know!"

I thought I did, at various points along my life's path, but every time I tried to 'step up to the plate,' I'd just fall on my face, and fail, once again.  (One gets tired of this as one might surmise.)

I just don't know what the hell to do with my life!

I hate myself, inside, for this, and that self-loathing is my true,'daily driver,' a body-car-beast that doesn't--and won't--let me forget 'just how bad I am' and 'just how much of a failure I've been, Am, and Will Be!"

And that, folks, is the real demon I face on a daily basis.

I'm tired of him, and I want to put him out of my misery!  Anyone got a plan for an Astral Shot Gun?  I think that bastard needs a little double-aught to 'is etheric brain case!

Seriously, though, I just desire to 'do better,' but I have a lot of problems with education in this country.

I've experienced so much negativity from both disability services agencies, local colleges.  Not in South Dakota, but everywhere else, it seems; I also haven't attended school here, yet, so maybe there's hope.

I doubt it, though.

I've learned this from attending school in this country:  The only thing that seems to matter is whether you're a top, peak performer, or nothing at all.  There does not seem to be any middle ground for anyone in my situation:  A Cognitive Learning Disabled Man, Who Really Want To Succeed, But Can't Under The Current System.

I just can't talk about this, anymore, tonight.  I'll get back later.  Peace Out!
--Stephen

August 9th, 2016 - Sturgis Motorcycle Rally - Harley-Davidson V.I.P. 70-Mile Loop Ride Through Vanocker Canyon & Deadwood!

There were six people, including our ride leader. Our trip took us through some of the most scenic Northern Black Hills countryside.

We departed from Sturgis, taking Vanocker Canyon Road South, through the little town of Nemo, South Dakota.

Nemo is nestled in the prettiest valley I've seen since moving here, and has some campgrounds and a nice restaurant.

Because i tend to be conservative in my motorcycle riding, deferring to posted speed limits, and not prone to unnecessary risk taking, I was a bit behind the main group when I went through Nemo.

I had a bit of chagrin, when I stopped at the little restaurant parking lot, thinking my group had stopped there. Finding them not around, I motored the eight-hundred-pound steed I was riding up the slightly-steep, dirt-driveway, holding off for traffic to pass by.

Trying to get going, and onto the highway, even in little Nemo (SD), proved challenging, with all the motorcycle traffic from the Sturgis Rally.

A little too less throttle, a passing car, and my having to brake quickly, and leaning just a little Too Far Left, ended up with my steed tilting sideways onto its drop bar.

Now, here's what's really great, and why I like the motorcycle-riding community as a whole: No sooner had I laid down the big bike, then within seconds, no fewer than four adjacent fellow bike riders sprang into existence beside me, two of whom had gotten there first, and helped me up within seconds!

It was a most humbling experience, and, although I felt like like a bumbling, weak idiot, better left to riding Schwinns, at that point, instead of Harleys, I was immediately consoled by one of the people helping me, who intoned the Collective Experience of All Hog Riders at One Time or Another: "We've All Been There!"

I immediately felt less stupid than I thought I was, and realized by that statement, that I was Just As Worthy As Any Other Motorcycle Riding Human Being, and that others, too, have had the same feelings of embarrassment and weakness at tilting their own steeds a little too far, and having the elation and pleasant surprise, at having others help them in their time of need.

I still maintain that all people are Inherently Good, the concept of sin is a ruse, and that Joyful Elation in Helping Others Learn and Grow, is the Human Soul's True Nature of Being!

This experience, out-of-the-blue, only strengthens that belief within and upon my psyche.

So I thanked them for their help, refocused my mind upon strengthening my muscle groups, and proceeded evenly, and triumphantly, onto the road, with nary an issue.

I caught up with the ride leader a bit later, who had been waiting for me at a junction. We chatted, he explained he was here for our needs, etc., and that I had nothing to worry about.

So we sped off, me following, both of us ending up at a location I knew well from my trips into Rapid City (SD), traveling down from Lead (SD), to visit my sister: Johnson Siding

Johnson Siding is one of those stop-offs that has everything. It's located on SD-44, about ten miles east of US-385, which terminates in Deadwood-Lead.

It has a general store, restaurant, gas station, a lot of residences, and One Huge Church called Rimrock. It's a beautiful area, with rock faces, tall pines, and the general landscape of the Black Hills that makes it's location all the more appealing.

Two of the faster riders went on ahead, and the ride leader, myself, and one other person, rode together toward Mavericks Steakhouse Deadwood!

All I can say is that the Broccoli Cheese Soup was excellent, the Fettuccine Alfredo, thick and heavenly, and the Strawberry Cheesecake, fantastic!

The traffic in Deadwood, South Dakota during Rally, is Just Plain Intense! Still, everyone manages to not, generally, run into each other. Politeness to other traffic is the key, and I just let others go by me, around me, or ahead of me, then level off to a speed that allows me to be comfortable.

Also, since I knew where we were going, via the map in my head, and as it was only sixteen miles, I had no issues with the last leg of the route.

We motored back to the Harley Davidson area--which was closing up at Five O'Clock (we had gotten back just a little tardy, I suppose)--said our farewells, took our pictures, and that was that.

An end to a very unique experience in my life, the first of many, I hope, to follow!

I hope everyone enjoyed reading! Be Well! Ride Often! And if you don't ride, START!  You'll Love It!

Repost From My Facebook Timeline, July 23, 2016, Saturday.

--VERY Long and Ranty, But Seeking Advice I Can Implement and Use!--

Hello, FB Friends. I would like to get everyone's opinion on something.

I'm now 50 years old, learning-disabled, and wanting to do something substantial, that will get me out of debt, and assist me with, ahem, 'getting my act together,' something I haven't been able to do in 32 years (Since I was 18, that being legal adulthood), since graduating high school.

I've been to a number of colleges and universities in many states--I've lived in about seven or eight--and always have the same results when I go: I go full-time, start strong and motivated, but when the mid-semester/term arrives, I'm so overwhelmed that I can't catch up my class work, and end up having to withdrawal from the program.

I'm now so sick of school and traditional learning that I expect to fail, unless something different can occur.

I've tried to get disability services agencies (Michigan and Missouri in the recent, and not-so-recent past) to allow me to try something different; less-than-full-time college work, starting my own business in Michigan (the office I was involved with basically laughed at me when I had an idea for a then-new-concept, touch-screen gps receiver. I guess Garmin beat me to the punch, eh?)

No get-there-before-it's-adopted-and-marketed-out-of-profit-margins-for-the-small-guy, for me, I guess, eh?

I had that idea before 2004. Now touch-screen gps units are everywhere.

All I given was a little test "to see if you'd be good at business," apparently which I 'failed.' Ya...Right!

I'm currently working with another disability services agency, and they, at least--and at last!--are willing to work with me. Still, I'm indecisive--not exactly the mark of 'substantial entrepreneurial endeavor waiting to be discovered,' so-to-speak.

The fact is, I'm frustrated. This emotional state is usually what people focus on--trying to prevent me from feeling that way--rather than focusing on what I'm saying, with regard to the idea-at-hand, be it another college attempt (unlikely), or a business idea (possibly.)

I have trouble keeping regular work. I had a good job at a local hotel as a night auditor. A night auditor runs computer software that tallies up the day's business, then prints out a lot of paper that has to go into an envelope. This envelope is kept in a box, or some other location, to serve as a hard-copy record of the business for that particular day. This is done every day at a hotel.

This is what my duties were:

Count three money 'drawers'.
Clean a bar area adjacent to the main counter (sweep/mop).
Sweep and mop the front lobby area.
Run the audit at 1am.
Prepare the hot, continental breakfast in the morning (eggs, biscuits and gravy usually, french toast occasionally (usually taken care of by the main breakfast staff; I just started everything, but it had to be ready to go when they arrived.)
Lock up hot tub covers, located outside and in the back of the building.
Tend to guests' reservation needs--something I wasn't adequately trained on, and felt ill when I couldn't meet my guests expectations, which happened more than once.

I also volunteered to help the head housekeeper with laundry, which I did, and didn't have any trouble with. However, after a month of this, I couldn't keep up the pace, anymore, and my night shift was segueing into morning, causing me toward the end, to not get enough sleep.

The end result was that I couldn't do the work anymore, as I was getting burned out! I'm really not that much of a multi-tasker, and it finally got to the point that it was either my mental and physical well-being, or my job.

I took the former over the latter.

So now I'm back to square one: 50 years old, living in an income-based apartment complex (for which I'm eminently grateful to have! ♥), in a nice, small town that I'm really falling in love with. :-)

I'm heading for divorce, unfortunately, (another story entirely), an issue that is, of course, heavy on my mind. One doesn't just go eleven (11) years without feeling something. As for me and my spouse, we've both decided to remain friends, but otherwise move on with our lives, at this juncture.

Granted, it's not over until the papers are signed and the judge says "divorced," but it is, probably, a foregone conclusion for me at this point.

So now I'm looking at becoming single again. Single, Twice divorced (assumed on the 2nd.) No completed college education. Learning disabilities. Little decent job experience, save for a lot of pizza delivery.

Experience in this field doesn't mean advancement. There are so many local high school and college students needing jobs, that long-term advancement in this--and most food service jobs, save for that of head chef or sous-chef at a nice restaurant (not my fields of interest)--field are extremely limited.

One, they're too fast-paced for me. I have attention deficit issues, cognitive learning issues, and just don't learn well when I'm moving too fast.

I can learn. That's not the issue. It's just that I have to learn, and focus, on one thing--or one item of a larger discipline--at a time.

Why do disability services departments insist that everybody go to school full-time? I know I can't do it. I've been trying since 1984! Don't people understand what disability means? As if I could do the same thing as an eighteen-year-old freshmen who got Straight A's in high school!

Hell, I can't even get straight C's, let alone A's, and especially not if I can't get the accommodation I require, which no one seems willing to give.

I'm not lazy!

I've worked my ass off to get out here where I am now, including a month and a half of sleeping at a !#!$##! rest area, while working for a Pizza Hut during the day, in one Missouri city!

I worked for a pizza place--where I was earning excellent money--in a South Dakota town for a full month, before I had to quit to meet the move-in requirements for my HUD apartment complex. I had planned on making a daily, 100-mile, round-trip commute to work at the pizza place, but I was told I was "making too much money," and the move-in costs, with deposits and such, would've been beyond my reckoning, as I didn't have a lot of cash at the time.

So I quit, and moved, and have been in my apartment complex for eight months now.

I had one job at a local ski resort, where the managment and attitudes of the people were so bad, and so rude (mainly 14-16 year olds running the !#!#$ cafeteria, gossip, and the like!), I had to quit after three days.

A far cry from working for Pizza Hut for two-and-a-half (2.5) months before I moved out here.

The 2nd job was at a hotel--as a night auditor. I worked two weeks, for three days a week, then was let go without explanation.

The last job was the one where I had to do all the breakfast, money counting, and laundry work. The interview went extremely well, and I was excited, and happy, to be working for that firm. The people were great, and I felt a bit more secure for the first time since leaving Missouri.

However, as stated above, I couldn't keep the job due to too much stress, and multiple work roles.

The End Result?

Well, I'm now broke. I don't get SSI, but only SSDI. Because I"m married, both incomes are factored. The real truth is that I really want to wean myself off of all assistance, make my own way and fortune, and build a respectable home up in the hills near where I'm living now.

But how can I do this?

My beliefs are so mired in the "I'm going to fail no matter what!" category, that my mind is numb to anything that even resembles something "I want to do." If it's not something I want to do, then my subconscious is more than willing to let it happen--just so long as I don't get too happy or believing in myself. That I can do it.

Self-defeatism is so ingrained in me, success is like a foreign country to me. But, to me, that's what I'm going to have to do: succeed! And not just little things, either. Something 'reasonably large, and that I want' is what I need. A material goal at the end of it, as well as having learned something that propels me to the next success.

I've known failure. I've tried to 'pay my dues,' but keep having to 'ante up' so much, I can't get my foot in the door, or a word in, edgewise!

So I'm back to square one! I won't have money until the 3rd, and most of that's depleted due to bills. And I pay my bills on time! I haven't missed one, yet, and have no intention of missing any, at all!

I want my time in my new area to be positive, and successful! I'm tired of failure, but know I'm going to have to endure many more until the end of it.

I know how to fail. But why can't I just learn how to succeed?

I'd sure like to be able to meet that motor scooter goal of mine (see my home page background), but by my hands, doing things my own way for a change, and being able to see ahead, through any failure, and just brush it aside, solve the problem, then move ahead, and achieve that elusive goal we call SUCCESS!

As of now, I'm having a hard time seeing it. Any suggestions are both sought after and welcome.

--Stephen

-UPDATE- July 19, 2016 Relationships, New Beginnings? Implied Endings?? Read and See! :-)

This post is a reply to another blog, which, as of July 19, 2016 11:23pm (Local Time), is, Ahem!  "Currently Awaiting Moderation."  (Actually, I think the blog poster thought it was too long.)  Here's the link:

http://mydatinghell.com/when-youre-strange/#comment-98

Read the above first, then read my response.  It sums up what is happening, currently, in my life at this time.

(Note:  My apologies to each and everyone who may be mentioned, or implied, in this post.  I'm 50 years old!  I am cordial, and considerate, but this is my blog, about my feelings, and, unfortunately, sometimes feelings also involve others.  Anyone involved is free to change their minds--and sieze and change the nature of their relationship(s) with me--at any time.)


--


I'm fifty as of last October (2015), and, after eleven years of marriage, am looking at a divorce.  We didn't have any children, so that simplifies things a bit (both of us just too busy with our own involvements for child rearing), but, at least for me, there's something I've just figured out:  Being Alone Ain't All That Bad! :-)

Granted, the bed isn't as warm (the cat just doesn't the job as well as the wife!), but I've learned something about this incident.  The past two years of my life have been spent, not with my betrothed, but waiting around while she went to amusement parks and wineries with her friends, to the "Gym, Totally!" (obsession), and not including me in the trips.

When I finally asked her to include me in some of the outings with her and her friends (I had to go this route, as I couldn't do anything without them in tow on her days off), she reacted badly, accused me of "imposing" on her social group (I suppose I was.), and we had a rather loud, verbal argument about the subject.

This went on for a total of about two-and-a-half (2.5) years before I finally had no choice but to move out of my cockroach-laden apartment (that's another story all together; she had already moved back in with Mommy and Daddy, who would not take me in!), and move over eight-hundred (800) miles away to another state where my sister was living.

I now realize, nine months later (no baby involved, heh!) that I, Ahem!, *Needed To Move!*  I also realize that I needed the time alone and apart to Really Really Deal with my learning disability issues, which have followed me since childhood.

I couldn't have done this without all the people that Life, Itself, put in my path, both with jobs, and kindnesses I never experienced (much) when I was living with my wife.

Now, after all this time, dating is the furthest thing from my mind.  I enjoy social encounters, but one thing does ring true for me, and always has:  I'm Weird.

I'm writing, for example, a "metaphysical fantasy-romance."  Who does that?  I'm at over 40,000 words right now, and it's progressing nicely.  I don't believe I'd be able to focus on it, had I not moved when I had the chance.  (Certainly not with her 'possy' in tow, let me tell you!)

I've never really had a career "like everybody else"  What the hell does that mean, anyway?  I mean, I read the above bullet points of what "normalcy" (to you) entails, so let's compare those to mine:


    Never having been married - After my upcoming divorce (assumed), I will have been married twice.  So that one's okay

    Never having had kids and/or not wanting them - Still don't.  However, that can change, especially if I meet someone younger with a child, that likes an older male.

    Not being a Christian or Jew - I'm a Pagan person, so that's not really an issue for me.  I just date Pagan people, or at least, Unitarians, which Are Just Find and Dandy with Me! (Unitarian/Universalism is, in fact, a fork off the early Congregational Church.)

    Not having been in a relationship for a long time - Eleven years.  I guess that's me.

    Not being slavishly devoted to money - I've had a lot, I've had a little, Had a lot again, Had little again.  Get the picture?  Money that is had definitely is better than not having it, but if you're not Warren Buffet, it's a bit hard to base a relationship on something you're not able to really hang onto for very long.  I am, however, working to change this around to the plus side, which can only help me in the long run.

    Not having a prestigious white-collar career - Give Me A Break!  Not Me, Not Me, Not Me!

    Not being blissfully happy about everything all the time - I'm sorry, but my unicorn has a broken horn, my white light has to be replaced with a new, higher-intensity LED at the time and the factory's out, and my subscription to WonkaWorld™ Monthly just got swept up into a storm drain during the last thunderstorm.  Other than that, I'm Not Half Bad ;-), and, for me, at this time, is better than a sharp stick in the eye.  (In short, relative to how I view and feel about myself, emotionally...  "I'm Working On It!")

    Not being overtly conformist - I've never been overtly conformist.  Granted, I obey laws, am not likely to protest (at all), abuse any controlled substances (at all, period, nada, ad-infinitum!), drive outside the boundaries of the law (Driving is like, A God, to me!  And one doesn't blaspheme to the God (or Goddess, for that matter! ;->).  I don't seek confrontation.  Introverts don't do that.  Usually.  Unless forced out of necessity to stand up for themselves.  Once.  Loudly.  With emphasis, elocutory (is that a word?) elegance, spunk, and moxie!  Then we shut up, go back to our cave, and meditate on the Weird Science Project we'd been working on before being interrupted by society  And We Like It That Way!  (I really can't say anything more on this one!)
  
 Not being sufficiently extroverted - If I want extrusion, I'll go to an aluminum sheet metal factory.  Oh, I meant extrovursion.  (Another 'word?').  I can speak as a near-expert on this subject.  I like people. Certain kinds of people.  One Defining Characteristic:  They're All Weird, Like Me! :-).

The actual truth of the matter, is that I get along with a lot of people, both extroverts and introverts (like myself, and different).  The only person I really couldn't have a relationship with is one who is exceedingly OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder).  I tried that once, and it was a disaster!

So, what does this end up being for me?

I'm comfortable being a little out of the mainstream.  I haven't been by any sense of needing to be.  Life just ended up that way.  I have learned to accept people who are also different.  Read:  Weird!

The learning disabilities kept me out of the mainstream, and still do, so I had no choice in that matter, or at least, not very much.  Oh, I tried to 'buckle down' and 'do the math,' 'do the English Comp 101,' and 'do the 'right thing,'' but, all-in-all, my brain chemistry's knack for not being able to get past Alegebra I has limited my abilities at 'normal school.'  (That term amuses, as there were, in the early part of the history of the U.S. "Normal Schools."  Makes me wonder what an "Abnormal School" might have been, back in the days? ;->)

Again, what does this end up being for me?

Inventorying 'All of the Above,' and factoring in the immense Relief, Peace, Relative Quiet, Harmony, and the most defining:  The Kindnesses I've Experienced From People Where I Am Now, I just don't have a huge need for Having Someone Always Around And In My Bed At Night (or Day) at this late point in my life.

Let me touch on the Kindnesses of Other People for a moment.

When I moved, I had to find a job.  And a place to stay.  I was able to obtain a two-month "working" residency at a pagan gathering place (it's 180 acres and a 501(c)3 religious organization, a/k/a, "A Church").  I used a gas trimmer to mangle down the long grass on the event grounds, and lived in a small travel trailer on-property for two months.

I had gotten a job delivering pizza for a Pizza Hut restaurant while still at the "Church," and then had to move out.  One of older workers--who was a chum of the manager--took my cat into his home, drilled holes in his walls, and made a makeshift gate out of a plastic folding table to keep my cat sequestered whilst his two children took care of my cat while I was sleeping at a freeway rest area during the night.  (This lasted for a month an a half before I saved up enough money to move out-of-state!)

When I arrived in my current state of residence, I couldn't stay with my sister.  I had to move out of the rented room due to the landlord being a more-than-part-time-drunk, mildly violent idjit-from-hades (with police support on my part, I might add, although it was only one officer, on a Sunday, a friendly sort, and the landlord didn't make a scene.  Libras Don't Like Scenes.  Especially Introverted Ones.  (Is there any other kind? :->)

The point here:  All the people I've met, mostly, have been exceedingly kind to me.  This kindness is what I should've been receiving--and me also contributing--within my marriage relationship.

Just today I had a meeting with my Vocational Rehabilitation (disability/job services) counselor, who drove over fifty miles to meet with me, today.  The truth is that My New Town Is Beautiful, and even VR counselors on loan to a smaller town's VR office, likes to come up to my town for a meeting.  Places In The Heart, especially Land Places, bring out a different kind of attitude in people.

My counselor and I ended up talking under a canopy near the local 'opera house' (literally!), in a quiet spot outside of the local library.  It's the first meeting I've ever had like that, and It Was Marvelous!  Outside, in fresh air, in a very relaxed environment, talking with a person who's helping me find A Real Career for the first time in my life.

When our meeting ended, something occurred that illustrates the reasons that I am Happy To Be Me, Solitary (Although not necessarily, "depressingly alone"), and Glad As Hell That I Moved Here!

Ergo:  As I walked back to my apartment complex, a young librarian--whom I had met months before, and with whom I had been chatting just before my counselor came in the library door-walks out of the post office as I was passing by, ten-month-old-baby-on-arm, actually says "Hello" to me, asks me how my meeting went, and offers to by me a soda at the gas station she's heading to on a break.

No one ever did that for me where I was living before.  Now it happens on a regular basis.

Could following my own lead, enlightening myself by Being True To Myself, Finally!, and not being just-another-sheep-in-the-herd, be, actually, The Freaking Key To My Happiness And Joy, Once And For All?

You Bloody Well Know It, People! :-D

Good things have been happening to me, at Fifty (50)!  More so than at any other time in my life!  Enjoy It Folks!  It only gets better from here! :-D <3

Peace,
Love and Light,
Eternal Joy,
--Stephen